Is your negativity masking a need for control?

Recently, I worked with a CEO who initially wanted to address her "negativity problem." She recognized her tendency toward sarcasm and impatience, understanding that "leaders bring the weather." She genuinely wanted to align with her values of kindness and patience.

But as we dug deeper, we discovered something surprising: her negativity wasn't the real issue – it was a symptom of something more fundamental.

Looking Below the Surface

Through our coaching sessions, a pattern emerged. Her negative behaviors consistently appeared in situations where she felt a lack of control. The sarcasm and impatience were actually coping mechanisms – surface-level reactions to a deeper need for certainty and stability.

This insight isn't unique to my client. Many leaders experience this connection between control and negativity, often without recognizing it.

Why Leaders Struggle with Control

Leaders face unique pressures that intensify the natural human desire for control:

•    When uncertainty looms, your brain's threat response activates, pushing you toward control as protection

•    Leadership expectations include having answers and making confident decisions

•    Control creates an illusion of stability in unstable situations

•    The responsibility for outcomes can trigger fear, with control becoming your defense

The problem? Addressing only the negative behaviors without understanding the underlying need for control rarely leads to lasting change.

Breaking the Pattern

If you recognize this pattern in yourself, try these practical approaches:

Increase your awareness:

• Notice physical tension (jaw clenching, tight shoulders) that signals control impulses

• Name the specific emotion beneath the control urge ("I'm feeling anxious about this deadline")

• Insert a 5-second pause before responding when feeling the urge to take control

Shift your communication:

• Ask curious questions: like, "What approach are you considering?" instead of directive ones, "Do it this way"

• State observations without judgment: "I notice the timeline has shifted" versus "You're falling behind"

• Acknowledge others' expertise: "You've handled similar situations before. What would work best here?"

The Vulnerability Paradox

The healthiest leadership approach balances appropriate control with necessary vulnerability. Ironically, leaders who accept reasonable vulnerability often build more resilient teams through distributed responsibility and collaborative problem-solving.

When you discover you can survive (and even thrive in) vulnerable moments, your need for excessive control – and the negativity it spawns – naturally diminishes.

To your success,

Amii

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If you're wrestling with leadership challenges like this one, I'd welcome a conversation. Individual coaching provides a confidential space to explore these patterns and develop personalized strategies.

Send me an email at amii@barnardbahn.com to schedule a complimentary consultation.